I love that I get to be raw, uncut & transparent Raven here. I don’t have to pretend to have it all together, nor do I have to pretend that this is easy. I get to pour it all out, and build other women up WHILE building myself up too. This is such a beautiful space for me.
I’ve been having to be real with myself over the past few weeks.
The medical definition of infertility is as follows- “not getting pregnant despite having unprotected sex for one year.”
Well, my friends. I don’t have to state the obvious. Although, we know that God CAN preform miracles AND that his Word says that he gives the barren woman children + a happy home… that isn’t my story, YET.
This-wondering every month, dealing with horrible pain & symptoms , crazy emotions & breakdowns, dealing with insensitive + sometimes ignorant people- is the season I am in right now. & honestly, I would like for people to stop questioning my faith & prayers and be a little bit more sensitive to the fact that what I deal with is very REAL. I would not choose this for my very worst enemy. Countless times do I tell God, I just didn’t want this to be my story.
You see, I’m a planner. [I’m starting to wonder if you can be a planner & still walk by faith… My plans always seem to fall through the cracks.]
When my husband & I got married, I figured that we would wait until I was 24 to have our first child. That gave us 3 to 4 years to enjoy each other and then start building our little family. Of course, we would have purchased a home & I would be driving a nice, black-pimped out, mom-mobile.
So imagine how I felt one year ago when God called us to move 4.5 hours away BY faith & then when we started to get rid of all of those material things we had put before him. You know, the sports car + foreign one as well. We moved into this tiny, one bedroom apartment & totally depend on God for our daily provision. But somehow, i just felt that things would all workout according to my plan and we would be able to get “back on track,” to what I had envisioned.
This this. Infertility.
This doesn’t fit into what i envisioned. I didn’t picture me being the one having to make decisions like surgery or no surgery, vegan diet or birth control, should we adopt or wait… none of this is what I wanted.
You see, this doesn’t fit in with my little home in the suburbs vision. I wanted what I want. Children. The amazing feeling of getting those two lines, surprising my husband in some crazy way, telling our parents, then friends, praying over our unborn child every morning, designing a nursery in our home-painting the walls + picking our furniture to match, planning a baby shower that met my pintrest dreams & a all natural water birth.
Instead, I’m sitting here typing a blog for you guys.
Not that I don’t love you, but I just had no intentions on actually being Hannah for this generation.
That just wasn’t my heart’s desire.
Obviously, God had other plans for me. I may not know what they are, but I do know that
A. They are better than mine
B. HE will be glorified.
I can be thankful for Hannah & when I get to heaven I can personally thank her because if it wasn’t for her struggle + story in the Bible, I would not have her story to lean into. Because God did it for Hannah, it was written in the Bible [Numbers 23:19] & I can hold on to that promise. Hannah went through something that I’m sure she felt was unfair, but she went through it and now I get to have comfort in her testimony.
So although my life looks nothing like what I planned, I’m finding comfort in knowing that God is good. He knew that I would be right here in this moment.
So even if you can’t relate to me on this specific struggle, maybe you didn’t plan diabetes into your life. Maybe you didn’t plan on getting pregnant as soon as you did. Maybe you didn’t plan on losing your job, maybe you just stepped out on faith, maybe you are living on your savings, maybe you thought you would have a degree right now, maybe you lost a child or parent, maybe you haven’t gotten married yet, maybe you are still working that 9-5… regardless of the plans that you had, know that the one who has the BEST plan is a number 1, best selling author. Let’s look to Jesus, [Hebrews 12:2] the author and finisher of our faith. Let’s know that even in the middle of any unexpected plot twist, God is faithful and he is Good.