“You used to seek me.”
That’s what I heard, clear as day land, as I was stretched out across our bed. Scrolling on Facebook, I kept laying there and so I was convicted again. I knew that it wasn’t going to be good, because I had been wasting precious time on NOTHING for about an hour.
“You used to seek ME over all things.” Now you are more content spending your time scrolling on Facebook. Is Facebook your god? Do you serve your phone? Do you not have time for me, anymore? -God
You see, lately, I haven’t been “feeling like” sitting down in my quiet place. [This is a transparent post.] I haven’t been “feeling like” laying out in prayer. You see, it is easy to worship + cry, alla dat.. when your prayers are being answered “just like that.” But you see, I’m still waiting. So, I guess you can say that I’m selfish, a little spoiled and I’m throwing a temper tantrum with my heavenly Father.
You see, sometimes God will say, “not yet.” Maybe it’s just to see if we REALLY love him (or is it what we think he can do for us?) Will you still pray without ceasing? Will you still fast for an entire weekend? Will you put aside every distracting thing and allow him to fill you up? Will you put aside your selfish desires and idols? Will you trust God even when your prayers seem to go unanswered?
The last question was the kicker for me.
Will you trust God even when your prayer seem to go unanswered?
You see, because we sing “you’re a good good father.” We can easily fall into a mindset of entitlement. Like we “deserve” whatever we pray for.
Let me be the one to break it to you… we don’t deserve ANYTHING! We should be in a constant place of gratitude for grace and mercy.
It took me a few months to understand and come to terms with the whole idea, that my prayers aren’t always answered according to my timeline. I
was am so used to things going “as planned” in my life. I went to college, got married, graduated, got a nice car + apartment, nice job… Everything has happened exactly how I wanted. Until this. Infertility. This, I see, is the strengthening moment in my faith. You see, there will come a time in ALL of our lives, that our faith will have to be strengthened. It is totally Biblical. Look at Hannah, the woman with the issue of blood, and Sarah. [You can look at John the Baptist, Job, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, if you like— I was just on a womanly role there.] Even in James, our Bibles tell us to “count it joy when our faith is tested.” That in itself should give me HOPE because I know that my suffering is for a reason. I’m not suffering senselessly, but because my endurance needs to be developed more + more.
Am I happy about this? No. Honestly, I’m not.
Do I know what I need to do? Yes. I need to get on my face. I need to pull back for a day (or however long it takes,) turn off my phone, close the social media, and fast + pray. I need to go to God and ask him, “What do I need to learn in this season?” “How can I bring YOU glory, Father?” I need to take my eyes off of my current situation and seek HIM.
I need that fire back. I need that burning desire to draw close to our Father, to sit in his sweet presence and talking with Him. I need to allow my heart to be open to him, and to let Him wrap me in his love.
Now, Your struggle may not be like mine. You may be waiting on God to bless your family with a place to live, you may be lying in a hospital bed with tubes everywhere, you may have a child that has been diagnosed with a chronic medial illness, regardless of what you are waiting on… I want to encourage you to find HIM in the wait.
No, it won’t be easy everyday. Yes, You will have good and bad days. The important thing is that we run to the one that can fill us up. The one that can comfort us, love us back to life and strengthen us. I know it seems unbearable. & quite possibly, it is- which is why we NEED our Savior.