Now, I know you might be thinking- “What on Earth is she talking about?” But just hear me out…
Infertility made this real for me. This whole salvation // Christ // Christian thing. Honestly, before this— I was simply a brainwashed, legalistic, traditional “Christian.” I claimed to know Christ, but I really just knew what people said about him. Oh, don’t get it twisted. I had quiet time & I read blog posts. I knew what so-in-so said about a topic, I just had no idea what the Bible truly said about it. I talked about this somewhat in a previous post, but it all stems from how I “came to Christ.” I put it in quotations because I don’t believe that I truly encountered Christ back then. I truly believe that I changed my lifestyle and started doing devotionals. *Sips Tea* Maybe this post will help you understand what I mean. Don’t stop reading here. I promise that this will bless you and change your perspective..
Infertility has pushed me towards understanding the Gospel and what it truly means. Without my diagnosis, I would still be spending my time trying to earn God’s forgiveness with good works. You see, one of the hardest things for me to understand upon diagnosis was “why?” Why was I going through this? “God, I serve you. I pay my tithes (I’m not kidding, I said this.) I’m married (doing things “God’s way//the right way.) I’m a good Christian, I post about you on my social media accounts. I submit to my husband…. oh the list goes on and on. I had all of these reasons in my head of WHY I should be “blessed” and be able to have children. Because of my twisted theology and my incorrect views of God and the Gospel, I felt like I D E S E R V E D to be healed (instantly.) I felt that my good works had earned my salvation and in return, God should be blessing us with kids.
So, when that did not happen, I started to question God. (I know ya’ll are giving me the side eye, but that’s okay too.) I couldn’t understand why my prayers were not being answered. I couldn’t understand how I could be a “good” Christian and not be “blessed.” (Isn’t it funny how just one situation can truly reveal our heart?) Was I saved because I heard the Gospel and it radically changed my life? Or, did I think I was “saved” because I changed my behaviors after hearing a message on “giving my life to Christ // my life story // God blessing obedience // How God blessed me once I stopped having sex…” You get the picture. Up until infertility, my view of God AND the Gospel was very cloudy. I’d spent so much time listening to podcasts and reading blogs, but none actually reading God’s Word. That is why I felt that I was entitled to healing, because I was “living for the Lord and walking by faith!”
It took me some time to realize that I had to be officially diagnosed with infertility at the ripe age of 23, because my life depended on it. If I didn’t, my life would have been all in vain. I would have spent my entire life leading people to my favorite pastor instead of leading them to the ONLY person with true life changin’ power. I would have missed this glorious opportunity to praise in spite of my pain. I would have missed the opportunity to glorify God in the middle of this storm. I would still be judgmental, legalistic, bound by traditions and extra-Biblical concepts.
But, the biggest thing is— I would have missed my own— personal, salvation. Infertility- despite it’s pain- has been a blessing because I can now confidently rest in the fact that I am saved by faith + grace. I know that my works do not earn my salvation, and my mess-ups don’t make me lose salvation. I can rest in knowing that in spite of infertility, God is still God + good. I can rejoice in the fact that Jesus died for me AND that is enough. Yes, I (we) still desire children and we believe God 110% for healing. But, I (we) realize that if it never happens.. God is still good + enough.
I never thought I would say this. But, I’m so thankful for this. Even if it hurts, even if it’s uncomfortable, even if I cry all the time- I’m thankful. I realize that one glorious day, all PAIN will cease & this temporary life will be over. Having children isn’t the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to hear, “well done my good and faithful servant.”
John 3:16-“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”
Romans 5:8– “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Ephesians 2:8-9- “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.“
Romans 5:1-4– “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Revelations 21:4- “ He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
1 Peter 1:6-7- “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”