I turned 24 on Friday. I know to some that is very young, but PLEASE do not post “you still have time,” on this blog. You see, medically – I don’t have time. With endometriosis you don’t have all of this time. You don’t know how fast // severely it will progress [if it does.] Most women are encouraged to have children by 25. I’m 24. I’m 24, but a hysterectomy has already been brought up. There is always a possibility that I could lose a tube, a ovary, or something major due to the scar tissue cause by endometriosis. So please. Don’t tell me that I’m young and I have time to have kids.
Plus, you have to remember that my husband and I have been together for six years now.
But, back to my birthday, It was so bittersweet. It’s been a rough few years, but I feel that things are blooming into a beautiful season. I had an AMAZING time with my wonderful husband (who treated me VERY nicely, btw.) Vegan sushi & Vegan Crabcakes galore. Plus, I’ve seen so many relationships in my life restored over the past few months- old friends, my Godmom, and my sisters. It was so amazing to be celebrated by all of my loved ones. I hope I don’t sound like I’m self-absorbed. But, I felt love from every, single direction. It was truly the best birthday I’ve had- maybe ever- but definitely in a long time. It was such a beautiful day, and aging into a new chapter of life is absolutely amazing…
But, it was also a reminder that I spent another year as a barren woman. Another year that I get to add to the number of years “trying.” Another year to add when the doctor asks, “So how long have you been off of birth control?” Another year that the stinging pains of endometriosis & PCOS rip at my heart as I am reminded of the “plans” we made as boyfriend & girlfriend. We decided YEARS ago that we wanted to have our kids sooner, rather than later. We definitely wanted to have at least one by the time I was twenty-four.
So, My birthday was a heart-wrecking [the kind that hits you in your chest] reminder that what we planned won’t happen. I remain in a season of waiting. Waiting on healing, waiting on God’s promises, waiting on new instructions, waiting on MY turn. Actually, wondering if my turn will ever come. Will our [delayed] plans ever happen? Have I been given this brokenness to permanently glorify Our Father? How long will I wait? What if we have to spend thousands + thousands of dollars on IVF or adoption? Where will the money come from?
You know, somehow I thought that this was going to play out differently when I was officially diagnosed. I thought this would be one of those, “I prayed about it and God fixed it” type situations. That would’ve been my other plan; to pray and have my prayers answered.
As you can see, neither of my plans match what is my reality at this moment. In this moment, I had to let go of the hope of things happening in my timing. I had to let go of the idea of being a mom right now, because it’s not going to happen. Being the control freak that I am, this is hard for me. Honestly, I don’t know that I’ve processed it fully. It still feels like I am in a daze…. Of course, I still have faith that I will have children one day. It just won’t be at 24.
My [our] plans obviously failed. But that’s okay.
I guess I’m trying to say that even though reality hit me dead in the face, and my circumstances kinda take my breath away; I’m so thankful for a loving Savior there to pick me up in my brokenness.
There is a story of a woman in the Bible who had her reality hit her in the face for twelve years. For twelve years she had to remain faithful in her suffering. For twelve years she bleed horribly, going from doctor to doctor; but then in an instant- she was healed.
There is also a story of a woman who was barren, tormented by insults from someone in her own household. Broken & Burdened, Sorrowful in her spirit; but yet she remained faithful. Daily, Hannah was hit in the face with her reality. Yet, she turned her face to the arms of our amazing Father.
There is still beauty in this brokenness. I get to pour encouragement and hope into you guys. You get to watch this beautiful, messy story turn into a beautiful testimony one day. Regardless of how many birthdays, anniversaries, or milestones pass by… I promise to always remain faithful in the waiting. I’m learning to embrace the glorious mess that I [this situation] am.